Most nights I go to sleep with undone tasks weighing me down. I trick myself into believing that the next day I will wake up at 3:30 in the morning and be superhuman. Tomorrow none of my insecurities will stop me form doing what's best, I won't be lazy, cranky, tired, or allow hunger to make me irrational. I will move from task to task, happy and productive
In reality the next morning I wake up, frustrated with myself from the day before. Frustrated with the jerk who piled all of this weight on my back, and resentful. Out of spite I ignore the list that this ogre of last night has made, and instead I groggily distract myself on Facebook or read a blog. I eventually stumble out the door, a few minutes late for an appointment, and pissed at the me of twenty minutes ago.
I face the same troubles in our garden. In Walden, Thoreau talks about how a small garden plot can serve you, but on a large farm one can serve time as if it's a prison. When planning my garden this year I convinced myself that I would be excited to get out there every morning and tend to it. I made too many beds too quickly and planted some things that I regularly use too far back on the property. Some days I am excited to get into the garden before the sun rises, but often my ever changing moods turn against me and our garden. I am learning though, however slowly. Next year I may go a bit easier on my future self.
Slowly I'm learning that wisdom is not always some ancient esoteric knowledge passed down on stone or papyrus, but is often the simple realization, after years of banging my head against a wall, that banging my head against the wall really hurts. Tomorrow morning I may wake up at 4 am, stoked to pull weeds under the rising sun. It is an amazing experience! Other days though, I will hit snooze until 10 minutes before I walk out the door. I will stumble through the house, confused, rushed, and utterly human.
No comments:
Post a Comment